Cleansing Showers

Living with my parents has brought back a lot of memories for me. I'm sure it has for them, too. One being the battles over showers, or to be more specific, how long these (meaning my) showers last. I'm reminded (by my mom and dad) of how this effects the water bill, doesn't leave any hot water for anyone else, and causes the paint to peel from the walls.

I swear that I'm not trying to create any problems for my folks. It's just that I love a long, hot shower. I'm not a morning person (yes, even at 10:00 am) and my morning shower is like my last chance to cocoon before stepping out into the world. Steamy showers also help clear my terrible sinuses so that I can breathe better. So see, it's not healthy for me to NOT take a long, hot shower. Do you buy that?

Finally, I know this is kinda strange, but the shower is the only place where I can really pray. I'm not sure why, maybe the rhythm of the water helps me concentrate. There are many different ways that someone can pray, but ideally prayer includes all of the following: praise, thanksgiving, confession, and petition.

Unfortunately, the confession part takes a while for me. A long while. Therefore, I must take long showers. So, the next time my dad bangs on the bathroom door and yells, "Hurry up!" I'm just going to yell back, "Hey, I'm praying in here and I've got a LOT of confessing to do! May take a while!" I wonder how that will go over......

Favorite Things: Sephora by O.P.I. Nail Polish in Dark Room

I've been working on "finding" myself these last few months and not just spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, but also stylistically (is that even a word, I'm thinking it's not.) It turns out that I'm not actually all that conservative. In fact, now brace yourself, I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. Are you okay? Just take a deep breath.

I found this nail polish at one of my many trips I've taken to Sephora over the last few months. Fun store, not so great on my part-time budget though. I usually either don't wear any nail polish at all or just stick with clear, so I thought I would try something different and bought this matte, almost black, dark green color. It has quickly become one of my favorite things and I hope Sephora (which is the only place that you can find it) never stops selling it.

Only Hope

I google all the time and I'll google anything and everything. Isn't it amazing what all you can find? I can think of one thing though that I tried to google and surprisingly nothing came up. This was my google: "What will become of my life? Will I live with my parents forever? Will I ever be able to financially take care of myself? Will I ever get married again? Will I ever have a family of my own?"

So what did I find out? Well, google failed me! This was the result of my very important search: "Sorry! We found no results for your search." What??? I thought google knew everything! What a letdown.

Fortunately, God is even bigger than google. I suppose that is kind of an understatement. He knows the answer to every single question that has ever been asked, what the end result will be of every conflict, and the solution to every dilemma. Sooo, I'm thinking that maybe I should just relax for a change and let God worry about the details. Besides, not to be self-deprecating, but I obviously don't know the answers to my questions, I can't predict my future, and I have no idea how to best solve my problems.

I've been listening to Switchfoot's song (by the way, it's on my playlist,) "Only Hope," over and over again. My favorite verse of the song is:

"Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again"

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 The Message

WARNING!

WARNING! DANGER AHEAD! Okay, this one's for all the single ladies out there. Gosh, I just realized that all I've been writing about lately is dating. I guess you shouldn't expect to see too many new posts from me since I'm moving back into the "cave."

So here are my words of wisdom:

1. Just because you have known someone for 25 years, does NOT mean that you can trust him. Don't be thinking, "Oh he's so sweet. He's looking out for me." Trust me, he's not.

2. When another old friend asks you if you want to make out and you think he's totally kidding, he's probably not. So don't laugh and say, "You are such a dork, but it was really nice to see you again!"

3. When yet another old friend offers to drive you home, be sure to clarify who's home you will be driving to. This is a time to be SPECIFIC! By the way, after repeating this incident to night vision goggles man (you'll meet him below,)he tell's me that you can trust NO man except for your own father and then he said that he would have been happy to come pick me up and drive me home. Hmm. I'm confused.

4. DO NOT volunteer certain information to any man, excluding your father, brother, grandfathers, uncles, cousins, ect. By certain information, I mean "Gosh I am just so naive. I trust everyone and believe everything that everyone tells me." This information will be used against you. Let me repeat myself, this information will be used against you.

5. Ah, I've saved the best for last. It's probably not a good idea to go to a man's home that you've known for about an hour. Let me throw in that this man is about a foot taller than you and a hundred pounds heavier. You then check out all of his knives, guns, and grenades (yes, they are live.)Then, he turns out the lights to show you his night vision goggles, which by the way, I think I want a pair. You never know when they might come in handy.

I hope I haven't given my mom and grandma a heart attack. By the way, night vision goggles man (who actually happens to be the most recent "frog" that I've written about) was actually a perfect gentleman, (but he's still a frog, although he is a totally bad a** frog with some pretty bad a** toys) but STILL that was incredibly risky. On a serious note though, I am lucky. No harm has come to me yet and given my string of bad experiences, I've been spending the last few weekends within the safe confines of my own home reading books and watching movies. God has graciously protected me so far, but at some point I'm sure He expects me to wise up and do my part.

One more thing. Did I mention that night vision goggles man was really smart, and hot too? Darn't, too bad he's still a frog! If anyone knows of a total bad a**, who's really intelligent, chivalrous, a sincere Christian, and ruggedly handsome on top of that, well I just might come back out of my cave!

Frogs: Part 2

Do you want to know what the worst part of having to kiss a few frogs before finding your prince is? I hate frogs!!! Seriously, I have this horrible frog phobia. Frogs, bullfrogs, toads (actually, they're the worst.)Basically the sight of any amphibian makes me feel like I need an ativan. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not.I don't like snakes either, but if I had to hold a frog or a snake; I choose the snake!I know when my stress level has reached it's limit when I start dreaming about frogs. Not too long ago I had a nightmare about a dog-sized frog!

When I was in college and my family lived on Arizona Avenue, there was this toad that decided to camp out on the front porch every night, all of one summer. Well, I came home about midnight one night and saw this hideous little creature staring me down right in front of the door. Tears came to my eyes and I felt a sheer wave of panic wash over me. This is what I was thinking to myself, "Oh my gosh, it's midnight and no ones awake to chase the toad away from the door (this is usually how I was able to get into the house.) What am I gonna do?" My reasonable self took over and I thought, "Well, I guess I could sleep in the car."

So I was really trying to problem solve here and the only logical action that I could think of was to throw rocks at the toad, hoping it would then hop away. Those suckers don't move! I lobbed rock after rock at that thing and it maybe moved an inch. I swear that it stared me down with this look that said, "Is that all you got?"

So now its 12:30 am and I'm still outside, trying to figure out how I'm going to get inside. I finally give in and call the house and my mom answers the call and she's bit startled to hear my voice on the phone so late at night. I tell her my predicament and she says, "Honey, why don't you just step over it? It's not going to hurt you." You would think she was asking me to run through a fire. It was at this point that I hysterically started to cry and just kept repeating, "I can't. I can't. I can't." So my mom, the heroine of the story, gets out of bed and shoos the toad away from the front door and I then go inside and try to calm myself down enough to go to sleep.

So what's the point of my story? Well for starters, I need a BB gun, and second of all, I don't want to kiss anymore frogs!

Frogs: Part 1

You know the saying, "You have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince?" Yup, you guessed it. Another prince turned out to be a frog. Sigh. To look at the bright side, at least I'm one step closer to my prince! Oh and I was so sure that he really was a prince. The prince I had dreamt of my whole life. I know I sound so cheesy right now and I had only known this "frog" a few weeks, but I really thought....sigh,I thought a lot of things. This isn't even like the Mr. Hot Cowboy thing.This one actually kind of hurts and has left me feeling like a complete idiot and if you you need to find me look in that non-dating cave, because that's where I'll be living until the end of time.

What really sucks about this, is that this potential prince-turned frog is so much like me. He's kinda strange, just like I am. Well, he may actually be a little bit stranger. His favorite tv show is Dexter,too. You know the one about the crime scene investigator by day who's a serial killer by night (you should know though, that he only kills other serial killers before they murder someone else.) I mean, if that is not just a match made in heaven then I don't know what is. On top of that, we had this conversation about what the Bible says about marriage and the whole submission thing, and I brought up that even if women are to submit to their husbands, that men still have the tougher job because they are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. Of course we all know Christ died for the Church. Then this potential prince-turned frog reminded me that actually the Bible says that husbands and wives are to submit to each other. That pretty much sealed the deal for me right then and there. See, this is what I mean by strange, I just mentioned serial killers and the Bible in one breath. Sigh. I'm so worried that I'll never find another weirdo. Sigh.

The Cave

You know that cave I recently came out of? The non-dating cave? I think that there might be just a teeny tiny crack at the entrance and I just might be able to squeeze back in. Nothing is really wrong, it's just that dating is hard. Dating would be so much easier if I only dated guys that I didn't like. Makes since, doesn't it? Then I really wouldn't care one way or another.

I've had friends say that I must be having so much fun and it must be great to have that "feeling" again. Well, it's not fun. No, no way, nuh uh, no, no,no, no, noooooo, no way, NO! Am I clear? I find the process incredibly anxiety producing. People tell me to just enjoy the ride, but I hate rides! I like things that are safe, secure, stable, and predictable. Basically, I like control. No, I love control!

I find dating (or dating someone that I actually like) torturous. My heart is fluttering, my stomach is in knots, and my head is spinning. I'm constantly trying to figure everything out. This is enough to make me go up to the entrance of the cave, bang on the door (my pretend cave has one) and say "Pleeease, let me back in! It's dangerous out here!!!!" In fact, I think that I should contact the Department of Defense and suggest that we try this technique on Jihadists. Because, it is just that torturous. Okay, I suppose that I'm being just a little dramatic.

I guess that I hate the "process" so much because I don't have any control over it. So much of my destiny is within the control of someone else. I have no idea if intentions are pure, if interest is sincere, or if all outside appearances are a true reflection of character. I'm powerless.

But then I'm reminded of what Elisabeth Elliot said in her book, Passion & Purity, and a wave of relief washes over me. Elliot says, "We are always held in the love of God. We are never at the mercy of other people-they are only 'second causes,'and no matter how many second or third or fiftieth causes seem to be in control of what happens to us, it is God who is in charge, He who holds the keys, He who casts the lot finally into the lap. Trusting Him, then requires that I leave some things to be decided by others. I must learn to relinquish the control I might wield over somebody else if the decision properly belongs to him. I must resist my urge to manipulate him, needle and prod and pester until he capitulates. I must trust God in him, trust God to do for both of us better than I know."

What a great reminder that God is in charge, not me, nor anyone else. Besides, I'm trying to do things the right way this time around and I want to have a relationship where a man finds me worthy of pursuit, all on his own, without any prodding from me. I think I'm worth that much. And if nothing else, I'm getting some great practice with self-restraint, patience, and faith.

Neurotic, Naive, and Proud of It!

Remember the whole Mr. Hot Cowboy fiasco? Well, it turns out that not all guys are scared away by a neurotic 30 year-old divorcee. A few weeks ago I was out with my girlfriends and this guy and I bump into each other. I apologize and he's says, "No problem, it's all good." Okay, so my naivete is starting to slip away a little bit and so I'm pretty sure that this was more of a planned incident and less of an accident. Of course it took me some time to figure that one out. I have to throw in that I'm not ever looking to pick up on anyone. They (men, boys, etc.) find me. It turns out that I'm kinda hot! Who knew? Just kidding, just kidding!

So the subject of age comes up and I hesitantly admit that I'm 30. He's says, "There's no way you can be 30, this beautiful, and still single." So I'm thinking to myself; "Wow what a nice guy! I think I could really like him." I ask him how old he is and he says he is 32 and my reply was "Wow, you're a grownup!" I know, I know. Sometimes I just don't know about myself and the things that come out of my mouth. Anyway, it was really nice to have a conversation with an actual adult male since most guys that approach me are in their early 20s and I'm really not into that whole "cougar" thing.

So, my new friend presses the issue of how I could still be single and I keep trying to change the subject, but he just wont let it go. So finally I say, (and believe me I have the whole Mr. Hot Cowboy fiasco on my mind)"Umm, I'm not supposed to tell you." Why on this green earth I would say that, I have no idea. I'm actually surprised that he believes that I'm 30, because I'm acting like I'm 12. He then replies "Did you used to be married?" I come back with a very sheepish "Yes" and then he says, "I'm divorced too." And for the first time in my life I don't think that I've ever been so happy to hear someone say that their marriage has been irretrievably broken! Awful, isn't it? Turns out that he really is a nice guy and we're still friends and he says that my neurotic mind and naivete is "cute!"

Favorite Things: Nahui Ollin Handcrafted Candy Wrapper Clutch

My parents gave me this way cool clutch for Christmas and I think that it is now my most favorite accessory. I use this as my "going out" purse so that I don't have to lug around my almost-as-big-as-a-duffle-bag purse. Ladies are always complementing me on this cute little clutch and oddly enough I've had many guys ask to take a closer look (they like to read all the wrappers, too!) I then wow them with my artistry skills and tell them that I threw it together during the afternoon while I was bored. Then they almost always ask to marry me! Just kidding, just kidding. If only it was that easy. Sigh.

Anyway, if you are interested in this clutch, check it out here on QVC. Ooh, and they have lots of other colors, too!

Seriously???

Seriously? Did I just actually say that? "Girl, what in the h-e-double hockey sticks is freakin wrong with you?" Yes, that is what I was saying to myself last weekend after I made a complete you-know-what of myself after going on my first (and possibly last) post-divorce date.

My initial plan was to not date for an entire year from the date of my marital separation. Well, I wasn't planning on meeting Mr. Hot Cowboy. So what was originally a hard and fast (and probably very wise) rule became more of a mere suggestion, as long as any really hot cowboys didn't ask me out!

Here's how my train wreck started. When I first met Mr. Hot Cowboy (I would tell you his name, but I actually don't know it; he said something about facebook stalking)I accidentally said a couple of things that according to my much more experienced friends, you just don't say right away. Oops! I just happened to mention that I'm 30 years old (he's considerably younger) and then later let it slip that I live at home with my parents. My friends gave me the look of death when I said this and of course in all my innocence, I'm like "What?"

Well I was so sure that Mr. Hot Cowboy wouldn't call me, but in spite of myself he actually did. Anyway, so last weekend we went out. I'm totally feeling like I'm sixteen again and nervous as heck, so I had one too many bottles of Bud Light. Okay, I really agonized over whether I was going to publicly announce that I was drinking beer, but it's true, so there it is. So now I'm a perfect combination of nervous, tipsy, and oh yeah, I was sick too, and taking cold medicine.

Before I go on though, I just have to tell you that it was pouring rain that night and Mr. Hot Cowboy made me run in my high heels to his pick-up which was parked a LONG ways away! Then he told me that if we went horseback riding he would put me on a horse that would buck me off and then when I was giving Mr. Hot Cowboy directions to where I was staying for the night (so that he could take me home,) he told me that if I was wrong, I was walking home! It was also at this point that I asked him if he was ever going to tell me his last name and no joke, his reply was "Nah, I'll make you work for it." Charming.

So here's the good part. While in his pick-up, I for whatever reason feel the need to ask Mr. Hot Cowboy if he's wondered at at all why I'm 30 years old and live at home. He says "No," I'm like, well then, whatever. He walks me to my door, which of course was because I told him he had too. He gives me a hug and says "Call me tomorrow." And no, I can't just say "Okay," I just have to say "Really? You want me to call you? I didn't think you liked me all that much." Then, as if I'm just not being dumb enough, I have to add that this is like the first time I've been on a date in like 12 years! Seriously? As soon as those words came out I just wanted to bang my head against a wall! I know I'm out of practice, but I know better than that! I looked at Mr. Hot Cowboy and said "Crap! I wasn't supposed to say that, was I?" He looked at me with the straightest face and said in a very monotone voice "No, you weren't."

How did it all end? Well, Mr. Hot Cowboy sent me a text the next day asking if I had been married before. Gee, you think? Then, not surprisingly, I never heard from him again. As bad as it is though, if Mr. Hot Cowboy asked me out again (which I'm pretty sure he won't,) I would probably say yes, because it is killing me not to know his name! Or just maybe I do know what his name is? bwahhaha

Arise & Shine

For as long as I can remember I have had this reoccurring (although each time it is slightly different) dream. In this dream I walk through the front door of a house that I am very familiar with. It's not necessarily always the same house, but always a house that I know very well. The house seems and looks exactly as it should upon entering, but then it changes. Suddenly, new hallways, rooms, and entire levels appear that were never there before. I walk through each new hallway and enter each new door with anticipation that something really incredible will be waiting for me on the other side. It's not uncommon for me to have interesting dreams, strange dreams, somewhat unpleasant dreams, and outright nightmares. But, I love this dream!

This dream actually reminds me of a time of reality. The last time I was in Washington, D.C., I had the privilege of visiting not only the White House, but also the West Wing. Personally, I think that the word "amazing" is over used, but this trip truly was amazing!Peeking in at the Oval Office was something that I never thought that I would ever be able to do. Then at the White House it was so awesome to be able to see many rooms that visitors are typically unable to visit. We went into the the bowling alley, flower shop (very important room,) and the Rose Garden. The charred wall from when the British attacked was also pointed out to us.

The same feelings that I have experienced in my reoccurring dream, I also experienced on this vacation. It was that feeling of nervous anticipation and excitement of just knowing that I would definitely find something worthwhile behind each door and at the end of each hallway. In each new room I would find myself staring, too awestruck to fully articulate my feelings of that exact moment. Actually, I take that back, I must have exclaimed "This is so cool!" a million times, sounding just like a kid at Christmas.

For the first time in my life, I really have no clue what tomorrow might hold. I see a million hallways and a gazillion doors, but I have absolutely no idea whatsoever which path I should take. But, lucky for me, God does know and he wants only the best for me. So I must fully believe in faith, that if I live by God's Word and listen to the Holy Spirit, there will most definitely be something worth all the heartache, disappointment, frustration, and tears behind each door and around every corner.

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you.....Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy..." Isaiah 60:1-2,5.