Oh God,
My life is forever changed. My heart is utterly devastated and broken and my spirit is crushed. I am so tired, but I can't rest. When I try to sleep I have nightmares and then awake in a panic to find that my bad dreams have now become my reality. How much more will be taken from me? I don't know how much more heartache I can stand and I admit that I am angry at you because I don't see that you've protected me. I am so scared. I had plans, hopes, and dreams for my life, our life, and now I just can't see even beyond this very moment. I am filled with regret for my past and dread for my future. I am so sorry for the ways that I have failed you and my beloved. I am afraid of loneliness and the uncertainty of my life. I'm afraid because now I am solely responsible for my life, without a job, and too tired, upset, and depressed to even find one. I miss the one I was supposed to grow old with, Lord. I can't stop crying. Just when I think I'm starting to regain composure, fresh tears flow. Oh God, I've heard that you protect your daughters. So please protect me. Give me a sense of peace and comfort. Please let me have joy again some day, along with new hopes and dreams. Please don't let me be lonely forever. Help me to not be bitter and to one day heal. Give me strength, Lord. Oh God, show me what to do and walk with me.
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
Psalm 40:1-3
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I remember when I was in the deep dark pit of deppression the thing I hated most was when "friends" would tell me to just "snap out of it" What I wanted to say was "Well gee you think I want to feel this way, and NO I can't just SNAP OUT OF IT - So just SHUT UP..." But no I didn't I'd just lower or turn my head and say "yeah I'm trying" or I'd appologize to them for being like that. It was like they had just put another shovel full of expectations on top of me that I couldn't get out from under.
ReplyDeleteI can say that there is a light at the end of this journey you may not even see a pinhole of the light right now, but hang tight to your faith in God. Believe me when I tell you if it weren't for my faith I would still be in that hole. I love the Psalm you wrote, I too hung tight to that one. I also held on to Psalm 3 - that may sound a bit odd after you read it, but for what I was dealing with it so fit. Right now out of that Psalm I love verses 3 & 4. Hang tight to the LORD, He is your shield (or to make it a bit more comfy - He's your blankie that you can just wrap yourself in.